Connecting and Confidentiality

I honor your courage to explore and heal, and I offer you the comfort of complete confidentiality and privacy. I do not share or sell my e-mail list. If you are a private client, I will not identify you as such publicly, either in a social situation or if you are a participant in workshops or gatherings.

You may contact me by phone at 720.206.4777 from 8 am until 9 pm, Mountain Time, any day of the week. I use a cell phone only, so you may want to make note of the number. You may leave a confidential, detailed message.

You may also send a confidential e-mail to info@pambabbitt.com.

It is best to schedule appointments in advance. I rarely have same-day availability, but please don't hesitate to ask.

The Responsibility of Orgasms

by Pam Babbitt, S.I.

Most lovers want them. Some try very hard to get them. And many believe that orgasms are the only real proof that sex was good.

Like snowflakes, orgasms are all unique and beautiful, no matter how they show up. They may be earth moving, heart thumping, full body blasters, out-of-body odysseys, toe curlers, skin tinglers, or the good old Rocky Mountain “YeeeeeHaaaaww.”

So what happens when the Big O is elusive? Whose responsibility is it?

Scenario I with Bob and Carol – Carol is being pleasured by her partner Bob. Last week Bob turned 50 and has become concerned about his sexual performance, and now he really wants to give Carol an orgasm. At least one. He is diligently touching her in all the right places and in all the right ways. He keeps trying and trying, but it just isn’t happening. That voice in his head takes over, “What am I doing wrong? This worked last time. I can't even do this like I used to.”

Carol had a stressful day at work and now she is finding it difficult to fully relax, although she is enjoying Bob's touch. Soon his determination to produce the Big O is apparent. “Oh darn, I can tell he is trying really hard to give me an orgasm. He’s doing everything he knows I like, but I don’t think that’s going to happen tonight. I hate to disappoint him. Should I fake another orgasm?” The pressure to perform is so distracting that Carol is now unable to enjoy the pleasure of Bob's touch at all. Lovemaking is now feeling like her workday - a job with performance expectations.

Bob becomes impatient and snarky. The shift is obvious to Carol who is frustrated and discouraged. The pleasuring ends abruptly with no cuddling or communication. Both partners feel like failures.

Scenario II with Ted and Alice – Alice is erotically pleasuring Ted who is being playful and sharing that he is really in the mood tonight. As Alice continues the pleasuring, she notices that he is less responsive than usual, and then she notices a yawn. A bit later, a change in Ted's breathing pattern indicates that he may have dozed off for a minute or two. Alice decides to match Ted's energy, rather than trying to re-direct it. She gradually changes from erotic touch to soft, slow, non-sexual caresses, and soon Ted falls asleep. Alice covers him with a blanket, kisses his forehead, and smiles to herself as she recognizes her supportive role in his journey to slumber.

Ted's body wisdom spoke and Alice chose to honor it. Initially neither partner knew what Ted's body needed, but that was unimportant as they both enjoy engaging with no goals or expectations. Ted was able to relax and surrender to Alice's touch; while Alice was comfortable fully stepping into the giver role. They both viewed the pleasuring session as just perfect, with no sense of failure.

Myths

A good lover can give his or her partner an orgasm. At least one.
If sex is good and satisfying, there will be an orgasm for everyone. At least one.

Truths

Orgasms can’t be given. They can be invited and allowed. Ultimately, everyone is fully responsible for his or her own orgasm(s). There are many factors that determine whether or not an orgasm is likely. Remember that an orgasm is a body function, and don’t forget that the human body is very intricate, and the female energy body is especially known for its flowing, variant nature. Then add in the emotional, relational, and environmental factors and you may wonder how orgasms happen at all!
What constitutes "good, satisfying" sex is subjective. Many people fully enjoy ecstatic sexual pleasuring without experiencing an orgasm. Some lovers consciously choose to refrain from orgasm and/or ejaculation with the intention of retaining and re-circulating that juicy erotic energy.

Being present, rather than goal oriented, can boost your pleasure potential immensely, along with your orgasm probability. When your lover is sweetly caressing your back, but you are thinking “How soon is she going to get to my penis?” you are not fully enjoying the touch. Picture ripples of pleasure floating off into space, rather than permeating your body.

If orgasms are more elusive than you would like, have hope. I would be pleased to offer suggestions. If you would like to be shown some techniques to becoming present, connecting mind and body, fully surrendering to touch, and releasing goals and expectations, I’d be pleased to guide you.